How to fix what your anger broke

by Leila Youssef
(Marbella)

8 Steps to Fix What Your Anger Broke

In the previous article, How Anger Can Affect Children, we discussed how your anger over little things, teaches your kids dangerous negative lessons. In this article we tell you how to avoid this, so you can have a healthy relationship with your kids, and they can have a healthy anger-proof childhood.

1. APOLOGIZE:
When you get angry with your kids over little things, because of your under-the-cover anger over other stuff; apologize.
Your apology to your kids, makes them realize that you are responsible for your emotions helps them sympathize with you without feeling responsible for your anger.
The apology step is very important and un-skippable, make it sincere and truthful.

2. TELL THEM THE TRUE REASON FOR YOUR ANGER:
If you can explain to them why you are angry, that will cut any other doubts regarding their responsibility towards your anger emotions. This will help them understand that they are not the reason for your anger, simply, and none of the little stuff is the reason for your anger.

3. REASSURE THEM THAT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM:
It’s important to reassure that your anger has nothing to do with them, that they are loved and cared for, and it has nothing to do with your anger over other stuff.

4. SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS:
It’s important that you work on your emotional regulation skills, and solve the problems that are causing your anger, or at least learn to control your anger, so you don’t release it in the wrong situations in front or towards your kids.

5. MAKE YOUR APOLOGY COUNT:
Keep your promises and change your behaviors with your kids, so when you apologize about anything, they believe you. Otherwise, if you keep apologizing without any change, this will only make them don’t believe you any more with any apologies or any promises of change.

6. LEAD BY EXAMPLE:
Don’t forget that your kids learn by mimicking your behaviors, so whatever you promised to do with them, do it in your other relationships, especially what’s in front of them. That means, you manage your anger in your other relationships, not only your kids. Other than that, they won’t believe your promises and feel that this is a special treatment not a lesson to learn, and will keep mimicking what they see from you.

7. OBSERVE AND GIVE THEM SPACE:
Let them have the space to express their feelings, on the other side, be a careful observer with your kids. When you see any signs of low self-esteem or power dynamics between them; that raises a red flag. You need to re-assist them with their self-esteem by letting them express themselves, with your reassurance that you love them unconditionally, so this gives them the space to be themselves, not what they think you want, out of their fear from your anger behaviors.

8. POWER IS NOT ALWAYS BAD:
On the other side of low self-esteem, your kid might be rebellious, violent or bad tempered. In this case, your kid had learnt that they need to act with power to get what they want. In addition to the fact that being rebellious among kids is an act of seeking for attention, this means your kid needs more affection and assurance that you love them unconditionally and you still love him/her in spite of their unpleasant behaviors.

In this case practicing power was a cry for attention, and on the other hand having a rebellious kid, is not so bad as you think. In fact, it means that your kid has personal power, and great self-expression, but directed in the wrong way, which needs your assistance with affection and acceptance.

Read more: The Importance of Self-Awareness

AUTHOR: Leila Youssef, Relationship Coach.